Some cretin stole my phone right out of my hands and it made me realise some things

My love affair with the on-hand digital world goes back a long time…

It happened this week and it shook me to my core. I’d just come out the underground and was looking at Google Maps to work out which way my destination was, when a man on a bike swiped my phone right out of my hands and rode off into the night.

It was almost graceful, the way he did it – like he’d done it a hundred times before, which he probably had. Not so poised however, was the way I shrieked and embarrassingly, pleaded, as I ran after him for a few hundred yards. But that was it. My phone was… gone. In a matter of seconds.

I filmed myself putting on makeup inspired by Instagram – and the result was predictably hideous

I love makeup and always have, from that fateful day in the mid 90s when I came across my mum’s stash in the cupboard under the sink and decided brown lipstick was the answer to all life’s problems.

Back then, being a pre-teen into her slap basically meant owning Rimmel’s Heather Shimmer lipstick, at least one frosted eye shadow and a couple of Body Shop eau de toilettes.

As time went by, I started picking up the basics from J17 magazine and good old trial and error, enhancing my ability from choosing a foundation that didn’t make me look like a tangerine to learning how to achieve that coveted feline flick with a glossy black eyeliner.

These days though, picking up tips on how to put your face on is on a whole different level, thanks to Instagram. Most high street beauty brands now sell lines especially marketed for young people who want to achieve the perfect selfie and gone are the days of making do with a dusting of powder and a slick of gloss. These days, beauty queens go for full coverage and they make it an absolute art form. And I love it – but I just can’t get down with it.

I’ve lost so many hours of my life watching people putting on makeup on the internet. But it’s akin to the way we watch The Great British Bake Off. You appreciate the pretty cakes on your screen but like hell can you be bothered to go through the blood, sweat and tears of whipping one up in your own kitchen for the office bake sale.

But in a fit of experimentation, I did decide to give it a go and I filmed myself one rainy afternoon trying a few trends I’ve seen reoccurring on my feed (I may have been subconsciously inspired by Lady Dickson who recently made her own epic contouring fail vid).

Here’s what I attempted…

Is this thing still on?

Well, it’s been a while. Four and a half years, to be exact.

When I first started this blog, I was fresh out of university, working my first ever journalism job in Derbyshire and writing under the pseudonym notontheguestlist. And things have changed a bit since then, as you’d expect them to over a decade.

A decade. Blimey.

So, I’m now a 30-something (who just about makes the dreaded Millennial bracket) living in London and working in television and have somehow today found myself tinkering with my WordPress account, changing the look of this blog and deciding to attempt to breathe some new life into it.

So why have I decided to come back after a five-year silence, this time without the anonymity and at a time when everything anyone says online is more open to scrutiny and criticism than ever?

Well, first of all, it’s not as though I’m Logan Paul. Thank god. And I like making people laugh, which is something I’ve been told I used to achieve here. Plus, it’s become apparent over the last few years that I have a thick skin when it comes to the internet – which is lucky because I’m rather prone to making a bit of a tit of myself on it.

Let me give you just a couple of examples.

Car Crash Web: Awkward family photos

This website does exactly what it says on the tin.  Marvellous.

Car Crash Web: feast your eyes on this

Every now and again I come across a website or blog that brings on the chuckles at work, resulting in funny looks from the boss.  I’ll start posting some of my favourites on here.

First up is This Is Why You’re Fat.

Basically, it’s just a bunch of pictures that people have sent in of food that is really, really bad for you.  You will never see so much deep fried cheese and meat on one website. 

Is it wrong that I could actually eat half the stuff on there without blinking an eye?

Mmmm…. deep fried creme egg…..