I filmed myself putting on makeup inspired by Instagram – and the result was predictably hideous

I love makeup and always have, from that fateful day in the mid 90s when I came across my mum’s stash in the cupboard under the sink and decided brown lipstick was the answer to all life’s problems.

Back then, being a pre-teen into her slap basically meant owning Rimmel’s Heather Shimmer lipstick, at least one frosted eye shadow and a couple of Body Shop eau de toilettes.

As time went by, I started picking up the basics from J17 magazine and good old trial and error, enhancing my ability from choosing a foundation that didn’t make me look like a tangerine to learning how to achieve that coveted feline flick with a glossy black eyeliner.

These days though, picking up tips on how to put your face on is on a whole different level, thanks to Instagram. Most high street beauty brands now sell lines especially marketed for young people who want to achieve the perfect selfie and gone are the days of making do with a dusting of powder and a slick of gloss. These days, beauty queens go for full coverage and they make it an absolute art form. And I love it – but I just can’t get down with it.

I’ve lost so many hours of my life watching people putting on makeup on the internet. But it’s akin to the way we watch The Great British Bake Off. You appreciate the pretty cakes on your screen but like hell can you be bothered to go through the blood, sweat and tears of whipping one up in your own kitchen for the office bake sale.

But in a fit of experimentation, I did decide to give it a go and I filmed myself one rainy afternoon trying a few trends I’ve seen reoccurring on my feed (I may have been subconsciously inspired by Lady Dickson who recently made her own epic contouring fail vid).

Here’s what I attempted…

Golden Globes dresses!

In no particular order, let’s take a look at this year’s hits and misses…

First of all, Angie-Jo wore colour. Actual colour. All over her. And she does sort of look like Ariel’s fin but we can look past this because the woman looks so much more alive when she steps away from the black.

Emma Watson has gone for the chop

Ok, I’m going to admit that when this picture popped up on my screen I actually gasped and said: “OH. MY GOD.”

And that means I should really re-evaluate my life, I suppose.

But, talk about drastic!  Perhaps it’s an expression of her being liberated from ever having to play Hermione Granger again?  Her way of saying: “Look world, I am a serious actress now. And while you’re at it send a few more high fashion modelling contracts my way please as I clearly possess exquisite bone structure that can pull off any style.”

Lourdes is just like any other teenager

Well,  okay – the daughter of Madonna isn’t quite your average 13 year old.

For a start, Madonna’s her mum.  So if you believe everything you read she was never allowed to watch TV or eat sweets growing up and she’s supposed to be exceptionally clever with a wise-beyond-her-years head for business and fashion.

Oh, and she’s drop-dead-gorgeous.

So, when I heard she’s got her own fashion line and had started up a blog I wondered what on earth this exceptionally savvy young creature with the unconventional upbringing would convey to the world.

Gemma Arterton looks like a princess (of Persia)

It’s so easy to look at pictures of celebs, and think “wow they look really good” but it’s so much more exciting when it’s someone you can relate to, like Gemma Arterton.

I like a girl who does it for the Brits, without resorting to draping bits of material off their size zero limbs or copying the all-American blonde and bronzed look, or trying too hard to be different.

That’s why I like Gemma. She is what she is and she’s stunning while doing what she does. She looks healthy and happy and like a classic princess in that gown.

It takes me back to when I was a little girl and wanted to float about in big dresses with a crown on my head, like the Disney princesses.

Oscars 2010: And more people wore more stuff

As well as the event itself, the after-parties cultivated yet even more outfits to ogle, especially the Vanity Fair one.  And you know what?  That bloody Cameron Diaz only went and did it AGAIN later in the night.

Like the dress she wore for the ceremony, this is glitzy, glam and super-flattering but also makes her look youthful.  Another huge thumbs-up.

I think we can now finally forgive her for that time she kept wearing bowler hats.